i wrote the world's worst romance blurb

and i guess you're going to read it.

Author

Addison Horner
March 21, 2025

So why did I write a romance blurb?

I’m not a romance author—though my cozy-fantasy WIP Project TAMELANDS does has a romantic subplot. But one of the sequences has the protagonist and his love interest conveniently trapped in a mountain lodge after a heavy snowstorm, and among the contents of this lodge is a shelf full of romance books. So I couldn’t resist having the protagonist read one of the blurbs out loud.

(Please note this isn’t for a YA audience, and while I am literally the last person on earth to write something outright salacious, I did indulge in some double entendre.)

Enjoy this snippet:

“Shall I read this to you?” Shepherd asked, returning to the living room.

Cierra blanched when he looked at her. “You want to read me a romance novel?”

“No, I—uh—read the description, I mean. So you can decide if it sounds, um, good.”

Cierra’s smile only brought more heat to Shepherd’s face, and she settled back on the couch with her eyes closed. “Read away.”

Shepherd cleared his throat. “Intrepid adventurer Ruggs Rawhide—”

“Excuse me,” Cierra interrupted, “but his name is Ruggs Rawhide?”

Shepherd shrugged. “It’s sexy.”

Now Cierra’s face turned red with restrained laughter, and Shepherd couldn’t help grinning as he continued.

“Intrepid adventurer Ruggs Rawhide has climbed every mountain in the Tamelands except one. But his unstoppable quest to conquer the slopes of Mount Thornflower has met an immovable object: feisty, ferocious redhead and wealthy heiress Vivienne Pinewood.”

Cierra rolled her eyes. “Calling the woman an object is a promising start.” But she was leaning forward now, listening intently with mug in hand.

“The Pinewood family has owned the Thornflower range for generations, protecting the land from riled-up rapscallions like Ruggs. But Vivienne agrees to let him summit her territory—”

Cierra spit out a mouthful of tea. “I’m sorry?”

“—on one condition: she gets to . . .” Shepherd sighed. “She gets to come with him.”

Cierra set her mug gently on the table, then collapsed cackling onto the couch, hugging her ribs and slapping the cushions. Shepherd gratefully took that as his cue to stop, because the description only grew worse.

“I’ll just put it back, then,” he said. He thought she hadn’t heard him over the sound of her own laughter, but she sat up and gestured for the book, so he tossed it to her.

“This sounds horrible,” Cierra told him. “I’m reading the whole thing tonight.”

from Chapter 40 of Project TAMELANDS

Writing Updates

TAMELANDS // We’re chugging along! I revised my word count target by adding 5,000 words, but I’m still on track to finish the manuscript by April 11.

Something I only realized in the last few weeks is that this story is heavily influenced by my journey as a dad over the past fifteen months. I’ve only written YA protagonists for several years, but now I’m writing from the POV of a character who should be played by Pedro Pascal. The fatherhood elements were part of the outline, but in drafting, I’ve found those to be the strongest and most compelling parts of the story. I can’t wait to share more.

SPOOKY FINALE // I get edits back in 10 days, but my editor has already given some preliminary feedback:

“The plot of this story is extremely well-developed, and you've done a fantastic job with maintaining a fast pace without rushing the story … This story is fantastic.”

Hidden in those ellipses are some of the elements I need to strengthen, but I’m not sharing those here because spoilers.

THREADS OF LIGHT // Safran now has two of her books out in the world! Many readers have already left some very kind reviews. If you’ve read either of Safran’s stories and enjoyed them, I would greatly appreciate you taking the time to rate them on Amazon or Goodreads. It only takes a few seconds to leave a rating, and you can help other readers discover these stories.

If you’re in Central Florida, Spellbound Bookstore in Sanford also has some hardcovers with foiled bookmarks! Check them out here:

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